Monday, March 30, 2009

Top 10 Rules for Successful Gay Dating

..1 Avoid Heteros and the Bi-now-gay-leter.
Advisory- These first four rules fall under the category of 'What Are You Looking For'?. Being a gay male, falling for a straight man is a sure-fire way to get yourself hurt. Dont ever go into any relationship with the thought, "Well, I can change him". What is even more dangerous than that is the thought that he is actually willing to change his whole lifestyle just for you. Bisexuals on the other hand are a bit harder to understand. That would fall under the category of does he like guys more thanhe likes girls. That brings us to the Bi-now-gay-later guy. This is very dangerous because a BNGL (Bi Now Gay Later) is in the closet and just testing the waters of gay life. Although, there is a chance for an LTR (Long Term Relationship), chances are very slim that you can reel him into anything serious. The last thing you need is a boyfriend that is getting too jumpy at every touch. Also, its bad to have a boyfriend who is standing in the closet doorway and is able to go back in at any second. If all you are looking for is casual sex then dont even consider this or the other 9 rules that follow.

..2 Have something in common besides being gay.
Again I say, if you are only looking for meaningless sex, these rules do not apply to you. It is prefered that you be able to maintain a conversation with him before you call yourself something serious. While the old adage 'opposites attract' can be true, you'd better have something in common if you want it to last. That isnt to say that you need to be compleatly similar though. There is an even balance between similar and opposite and this balance should be obtained in order to have a lasting a relationship.

..3 Beware of needy people and control freaks.
Needy people, or cling-ons as they are sometimes called, can suck the life right out of you and your relationship. If you are the needy one, then I highly recommend getting counseling because you will never have a healthy relationship as long as one of you is overly needy. As a recovering needy person, I can vouch for this one. It comes in many forms, but here are some signs of neediness: excessive jealousy, possessiveness, clinginess, etc. Needyness doesn't always kill a relationship, but it does slowly suck the life out of it if the needy person isn't receiving any kind of help. Talking it thorough with your partner and having them help can be a great way of getting self-help.On the other end of the spectrum, but equally dangerous, is the control freak. This one is usually easier to spot. Again, jealousy is a sign of this too. Other signs include manipulative behavior, always having to have the last word, always insisting on having their way, etc.

..4 Just say no to drugs.
Few things will kill a relationship like drug abuse. If someone is heavily into drugs then you'd be best to run, do not walk, in the opposite direction. Dont allow yourself to be sucked into paying for or even abusing drugs. Successful relationships are based on how much you love each other soberly. If you are the party type and you suspect drug abuse, it would be best to leave immediately. If your partner wants to stay anyway knowing that, leave him. Walk away and dont look back. Chances are if he stays at that party then he may want to abuse drugs behind your back or flirt/cheat behind your back.

..5 Know your expectations.
Before you ever start dating, it would be great if you knew exactly what you were looking for. Unfortunately, 99% of the population doesn't know what they want in another person. That's one of the reasons we date in the first place; to figure out what you want from a relationship. Before you get very far into a relationship though, it's very important to know what you each are looking for from this. Are you looking for something casual, a friend with benefits? Or are you looking for something serious? And what does that mean to you? It's important to know this up-front. If your expectations are very different, then it would save you both a lot of wear and tear if you just moved on. Although if you think that you will benefit as a person from such a relationship, give it a try, but know that it will not... will NOT last a very long time. If you dont know what you want then there is a high chance that it wil not work out.

..6 Start as friends.
Although, this rule is #6 on my list, it is by far the most important rule of them all. Without this step, you have no foundation on which to build anything else. If you can't be friends first, then there is a VERY high chance that you wont last very long as lovers. This rule leads into the next one.

..7 Observe the phases of a healthy relationship.
Dont rush things. Every healthy relationship evolves through a series of phases. People argue about these phases and their order, but in general, they are: attraction, acquaintance, learning, friendship, exploration, intimacy, lovers. I believe that you start with attraction and then subsequently end with Lovers.

..8 Find out about the important things first.
Early on, in those learning phases of your relationship, be sure to find out about your interest's past relationships if that sort of thing is important to you at all. Even so though, itis best to have a general idea of who your potential partner has been with. Make sure he or she is over their previous relationships. If you are the rebound, dont expect too much here. If they are still in love with their last boyfriend or girlfriend, expect to get hurt. Also, ask about their past relationships, who did the dumping? If they have a string of always being dumped or always doing the dumping, there is probably something wrong. At the very least, you may just find out that your date is a victim of hard luck. Also, two other things that it is mandatory to know before getting involved is Religion and Political Standpoint. I dont care how "tolerant" you think you are, if you dont follow the same religion and have compleatly opposite political points of view, then your relationship is considered dead before it even starts. This is a sad fact to swallow, but I am sorry to say that it is the truth of all truthes.

..9 Sex is not everything, but it is something.
Contrary to most reports, sex is not the end-all-be-all of a relationship. It is only a facet of a much larger whole. In fact, believe it or not, a healthy relationship can exist without any sex at all. It can't, however, exist without intimacy, and there is a BIG difference. Sex is just one form of expression of that intimacy. Don't rush into the sexual phase of your relationship unless you are sure that you can have that intimacy with it or you are sure this is just a casual relationship. Be warned though that once you do have sex the first time, there is no going back. Be absolutely sure you are ready. Sex does not equal love and the two should never be confused. Furthermore, you can not make someone love you using sex. If your whole relationship is built around sex, you don't really have much of a relationship. It may be time to rethink things, which leads to the last rule.

..10 Monitor the relationship.
This one is another biggie and one many people fail to do to the detriment of their relationship. On a regular basis, you decide what is best for you, sit down and evaluate things. Are you happy? Is your partner happy? Is your partner making you happy? If not, why? Are everyone's needs being met? Do you both still have the same or similar expectations? You should do this alone and with your partner. If at any time, things are starting to go wrong, you need to sit down and talk about it. If it can be fixed, then work together to fix it. If not, then make the break and move on. There is no point beating a dead horse (lovely image, no?). This is, of course, easier to say than to do. Remember, communication is the key to a healthy, lasting relationship. If you can't talk to each other, you dont stand a chance.